


It's Only Touch (All He Has Left)

by Nocticola



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Episode: s05e13 Chosen, F/M, Gaslighting, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mara won and it's not pretty, Nathan's Trouble, Physical Abuse, Post episode 5x13 Chosen, Rape/Non-con Elements, Scars, Victim Blaming, author is incapable of writing a oneshot news at 11, i'm sorry in advance, this is gonna get dark once i really get going
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-03-14 18:58:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13596324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocticola/pseuds/Nocticola
Summary: Nathan after Mara stays after the combination. (5x13- AU)





	1. Nathan's losses

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Addicted to the feel of her skin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10561470) by [CookieDoughMe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CookieDoughMe/pseuds/CookieDoughMe). 



Everything is lost. Nathan is the only one left. Mara won. She got complete control over her body, without any trace of Audrey (Nathan hopes to the wretched god that there's nothing left, considering everything Mara has done, he doesn’t want any of that on Audrey’s conscience). Everyone Nathan could try to use as an ally to defeat her has been killed or banished or she talked them over to her side. Hah, her side. There are no sides in Haven anymore, except hers and the ones who are just waiting for Mara to put them out of their misery. Nathan is one of the only ones left. 

Duke died. He didn't survive letting out all those Troubles Mara fucked into him. Now they're all fucked, Troubles choosing their new hosts all willy nilly, uncontrollable and no one with immunity to the new ones. Mara enjoys having Troubles that finally affect her. At least, that's what she claims. Nathan's not as sure that she really enjoys not knowing when she's immune and when she isn't. It's out of her control. It's one of the few joys Nathan has left, seeing Mara off her game occasionally. But he doesn't see that much anymore. Mara is nothing if not adaptable and Nathan doesn't leave Audrey's apartment much anymore. There's very little he can actually do to help Haven now. He has no influence over Mara. Even so, he does what little he can to help people with their Troubles. When he does that, he feels connected to Audrey, and that’s pretty much all he has left these days. 

Initially, Nathan thought that Dwight came to Mara's side a bit too easily. But when he found out about Lizzie, he understood. Dwight was a father, first and foremost, in many ways. He deserves to have some form of her back.

Vince is dead. Mara killed him soon after she realized Croatoan, her father, is hiding inside Dave. She uses Dave to let Croatoan grow stronger. Nathan knows he should do more to stop it, to not let this particular father-daughter reunion happen, but he doesn't have much strength left. He knows he needs to do something (kill them both) but he’s not ready yet.

Mara banished Charlotte to the Void as soon as she could. She didn't want to forgive her for the 500 years of personality changes she was subjected to. Nathan can't actually blame Mara for that. He does blame her for how she's taking out her anger on the people of Haven. It's fucked, but she wasn't punished for nothing. The whole history of this damn town is filled with the people she hurt and then helped. But there is none of that 'savior' side left of her (of Audrey, Sarah, Lucy, Lexie, Veronica and all the others). There's only Mara, and her anger and her revenge. 

At first, Mara loved taunting Nathan about his lacklustre efforts. His failures in trying to stop her. To contain the new Troubles. She brought up everything she knew how to hurt him, and she knows it all. His parents (all three of them). His insecurities, his fears, she knows them all. Because Audrey knew them all. Some she also might have found out from Duke. That’s another sore spot Mara loved to twist. How he failed him, too. Nathan thought he was stronger than this, but after a few months, he stopped. He can’t be around Mara anymore. Mara, for her part, has also seemingly left him alone. Must be busy with her ‘take-over-the-world’ plans. Nathan knows he should be doing *more*, trying to figure out a way to fix this mess, but… he’s so tired. He can barely do the bare minimum to keep Haven from being destroyed and he knows it’s not enough. He’s not enough, yet. But hopefully soon he’ll be strong enough to kill Mara. But not yet. 

Which is why Mara showing up at Audrey’s place tonight is nothing but bad news.


	2. Mara's Visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains unconcentual (sp) touching and kissing, violence, mention of suicide.

Mara steps inside the almost dark home of Audrey’s, although it has since been claimed by Nathan. She briefly thinks he’s sleeping, but she quickly learns different. Nathan is sitting up and pointing a gun straight at her. Mara smiles. That was expected. They haven't exactly been on good terms lately. Well, ever.

She lets her jacket drop to the ground, shows Nathan what she’s wearing. The blue dress from Audrey husk’s only birthday party (well, that dress has a bullet hole, this one's new). Nathan told her (Audrey, Mara, does it even matter?) how he liked it and wanted to see her in it again. She can tell the dress has an effect on Nathan, even in the dim light she can see the gun shake in his hands. His face though? Doesn't change. It's all filled up with grief and pain and guilt. Such an expressive mask, Nathan's face has always been. No matter. Mara has special plans for Nathan tonight. That requires a special dress. 

“You like it? I think it’s kinda creepy how the Teagues liked to dress Audrey up, but this is a really good dress." 

She lets her hands move on the dress, feel the fabric, the shape of her body. She smirks when she sees Nathan react. Her hair is blonder now than the last time Nathan saw her. There's no hair color she can wear that is not same as one of her husks, but this occasion calls for Audrey's blondeness. Maybe if this doesn't work, she'll try Sarah's redness.

Nathan doesn't say anything. He doesn't put down the gun either. She can only see that he's wearing a t-shirt to bed, and hasn't shaved for a while. She likes what she sees. She smirks, laughs a little out loud, but Nathan doesn't even ask what's funny. Mara won't mind if Nathan doesn't talk tonight, as long as he does what she wants him to do. 

She's left him alone for the past few months. She's been far too busy and hasn't really had time to deal with anything 'Nathan'. Let him do his Trouble whispering stuff, she has no time for any of that.

She starts walking nearer to the bed, and finally, Nathan speaks, "Please, don't." His voice is quiet, pleading. She stops for a moment, making him think he has some effect on her. And then she just about cackles as she continues walking to the bed. She knows Nathan won't really shoot her. He can't.

She gets to the bed and puts her hand on the gun, pushes it down. Nathan gasps, the touch of their hands surprising him. She keeps her had over his, so he can't use his gun now. Before Nathan can recover, Mara takes the gun, throws it away, sits on the bed on top of Nathan's legs, turns (the dress isn't the best for movement) and takes his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her.

Mara can see that the touch is overwhelming to Nathan. He gasps again, his eyes are wide, and wet. He seems frozen in place. His arms are on his sides, and he makes no move to touch her in any way. Mara smiles.

"I had an idea," she says, her face so close to Nathan's their noses almost touch.

Nathan closes his eyes, a tear slips out of his eye, making Mara's hands wet. She hates that, and she wants to slap Nathan for that. But it's not yet the time for overt violence. 

"What is it?" 

Mara is almost surprised that Nathan speaks, she was prepared to monologue this whole thing. His voice is even hoarser than it usually is. She hates that she reacts to it. She *doesn't* want Nathan. Not really. It's all husk leftovers.

Her silence seems to unnerve Nathan, who has opened his eyes, looking at Mara with confusion.

Mara smirks, moves one hand behind his head to keep him in place, while her left hand moves down, moving his shirt out of the way, to rest over his heart. "I wanna play with your Trouble. Change it. Maybe give you an off switch."

Nathan pulls away at that, looking distraught. He moves as far back as he can on the bed. Mara lets him. His Trouble is not the only thing she wants to play with. 

"Fuck, no. I'm not letting you touch me with Aether."

Mara rolls her eyes at Nathan's reaction. "Really? That's how you're responding? Not even considering it?"

Her demeanor changes, ad she moves back into Nathan's personal space. Nathan looks angry instead of fragile like he did earlier, but she can fix that. She buries her hands in Nathan's hair, holding him in place once again. She uses the same tone as she did at the Chief's cabin, torturing Nathan with Audrey's memories.

"Don't you want me to fix you?"

Mara's face is so close this time, their noses do touch. She won't let Nathan move away, even though he tries to evade her gaze. Her touch is overwhelming him. When she forcefully pulls Nathan's head to look at her again, he is again pleading.

"Don'--"

Mara doesn't let him end the word before she has pulled his face to hers, kissing him forcefully. Nathan doesn't respond, just lets tears fall, not moving, paralyzed. 

At first.

He kisses her back for a second before he seems to remember that his arms actually work. He pushes her away from himself until the kiss breaks and they have distance. Nathan's face is wet with tears, but his eyes are angry.

"I don't want you. I don't want you to touch me, O don't want you to change my Trouble. I don't want anything to do with you. Except kill you." 

Mara didn't expect that this would be that easy (Nathan's brand of fucked up comes with a whole lots of survival instincts and denials of wants). Mara knows Nathan always has a knife near him. He's better with a gun but that knife is a good last resort. She turns to his nightstand opens the drawer and pulls out the knife. 

"Why don't you?" She's holding on to the handle, with the blade pointing towards herself. It wouldn't take much for Nathan to take the knife and stab her. She smiles at him. It's a Mara smile, though. If he has the guts to actually do it, he better do it to *her*, Mara, and not chicken out because of Audrey or some other husk.

Nathan looks at the knife but he makes no effort to take it. He doesn't look at her when he speaks.

"Why are you doing this? You don't really want me. We both know that. You'te not gonna let me kill you either." He finally looks up from the knife at her. "So why? What's the point?" 

Mara sighs, plays with the knife for a bit. She might end up using it tonight. She hasn't decided yet. 

"You know what I like about your Trouble? It's awful, trust me, a whole lot of you have offed themselves, although not before having kids, so it's lasted this long. But it's not so awful you's Crocker yourself for it. I wanna take it to the next level."

She puts the tip of the blade on Nathan's collar bone, slides it to the left, leaving a slight trace while moving Nathan's t-shirt again to find the scar she gave him, when she shot him at the beach. She wants to give him so many more.

Nathan doesn't move or say anything. He just looks at her with despair.

"I'm not ready to kill you. You know that. But eventually, I will. It's the last thing I'll do, but I will stop you," he finally says.

Mara laughs. "Oh, poor Nathan," she says condescendingly, before her voice turns harsh,  
"I'll break you long before that." 

She cuts him with the knife where she once shot him and presses her hand on the wound for good measure. Nathan cries out in pain and Mara punches him (just because) and holds onto his face one more time, "Can't wait to see how much it takes." 

She uses the knife handle to knock Nathan out, leaves it, gathers her jacket and leaves. She has much still to do with Nathan. This is going to be so much fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh I'm not sure whether I'll write any more of this. Not sure how much my style this is...  
> 


	3. Don't You Want Me to Fix You?

Nathan wakes up hours later. When he sits up he sees his sheets and his pillow have become bloody. That means laundrey. Great. When he sits up on the bed he feels dizzy (disorientation doesn't require physical feeling), and when he touches his temple and pulls his hand back he can see dried blood. There's also dried blood on his chest. 

He gets up from the bed but he has to wait a moment for the room to settle. He starts making his way to the bathroom when his foot slips. He looks down to see his knife on the ground. He stepped on it.  
"Ugh," is his only reaction. He picks it up, notices both the blade and the handle are bloody. "Knew you were a multipurpose weapon," he mumbles at it and takes it with him to the bathroom. He also sees his gun on the ground but doesn't pick it up. It's of no use for him. Last night proved that.

He gets to the bathroom and he can finally take proper stock of the extent of his injuries. He's stopped bleeding while he was unconscious, but both his temple and his chest are caked with blood. The cut across his chest is long but shallow, which is probably why he's not dead yet. He digs up his first aid kit to start cleaning himself up. First his face, then his chest. He only uses the mirror for reference points (he doens't want to look at himself). Removing the blood lets Nathan see that Mara used the gunshot wound scar she gave him as a starting point.

He strokes his index finger from one end of the wound to the other, before washing it with alcohol. That will definitely scar. Nathan's kinda glad. Physical proof of violence when you usually can't feel it makes it more real. Sure, he felt the cut, Mara made sure of that. But it is an exception in his life.

When he finally really look at his face in the mirror, there's no sign that Mara kissed him. No proof that he kissed her back, even if only for a moment. That's another reason he's glad for his scars. If there was anyone left to tell, to show, a scar across his chest is much better proof of a violation than a simple, leave-no-traces kiss. Yet, he hates the kiss more. The touches. When Mara went gentle, his brain panicked. It was a special kind of paralysis.  
"Don't you want me to fix you?" echoes in his head. It was one of those jokes that you act like they mean nothing when really they mean everything. And it turned out to be all too fucking true, too. Audrey fixed him. Not his Trouble, not through physical touch. He was whole, *real*, with Audrey. The way he never was before. Mara taints that.

He doesn't want Mara's touch. Never did. He can't claim its completely from some purity of his love for Audrey. He was with Sarah. He might have forged something with her version of Lexie, if only to get her to kill him. But they felt diffrent, somehow. Maybe he's just deluding himself. It kinda doesn't matter. There's no one left to tell him off about it.

And even besides what his mind want, his body has always betrayed him. He's lived with this overwhelming numbness for so long, any respite feels overwhelming. Mara is the only one who can now give him *any* feeling, good or bad. He hates it. He wishes he could ignore her touch, but he also knows she won't let him. If she wants to use him as her plaything, an experiment, or whatever... Nathan's not sure he has the strenght to resist her for long. Her touch is forceful and his brain short ciscuits and his body just goes weak. He can still see the traces of teartracks on his face even though they've long dried out. He's so fucking weak. How did he end up this weak after everything he's been through? After everything his fathers did to him to make him strong, after everything he's gone trough. He's still just so weak.

Maybe it's because no one really understands Nathan's Trouble. Even though there are real conditions his Trouble resembles, they're not magical punishments going back generations. Usually people with ideopathic neuropathy and the like lack the sensation of pain. They don't lack evry-fucking-thing. Even Jordan was not the same. She couldn't be touched, yet she could feel herself, know she is real, that she exists, her disconnected wasn't the same as his. And even though Duke (he still misses him) spent a day in his body, couldn't grasp what's it really like to live life this *numb*. Disconnected. Unreal.

But even with that, that's not really why he fell for Audrey, she broke through his emotional numbness before she miraculously broke the physical. Even during their last weeks, when he couldn't feel her, he was still *connected* to her. Physical touch doesn't matter, if you have something else. He had her love. That was more than enough. More than he ever deserved. 

That's even more clear now, when he finds himself here, in Audrey's home, craving for Mara's touch. For some proof that he's actually real. He cleans his wounds with alcohol yet there's nothing. No pain, no reaction, not a fucking thing. He wants to be something. Mara's the only one who can give him that. He doesn't even care what type of touch. He doesn't want her to touch his Trouble (his Trouble is *his*, he knows it, it's a part of him)(he also knows there's no way she'd take away something that would help her manipulate and use him), but anything else? Pain or pleasure, it doesn't matter, because at least it's something. Maybe he could even pretend. (He knows he couldn't. Mara doesn't touch the Audrey touched, sound or look like Audrey. He could never pretend he's not betraying Audrey)

He already dreads her next visit. Because Nathan is really not sure what he will or won't do (stop her). He should be stronger than this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll leave this open for now. This fic kinda won't leave me alone so I'll probably write more at some point.


	4. Mara's toys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter talks about Mara's relationships with William, Duke and Nathan, and a bit with Dwight.
> 
> Proceed with caution. The title is apt.
> 
> CW: briefly and vaguely threatened child death. At the Dwight bit.

Mara has always been a very charismatic person. She was a daddy's girl and could get almost anyone to do her bidding. William was the one she felt the strongest for, but even he was mostly a means to an end. He would do absolutely *anything* for her, and she took full advantage of that. She enjoyed her time with William, but clearly his time is over. He can do nothing for her in the Void.

When she was finally freed after 500 years of torture, as a personality of a woman after woman was thrust over hers, she was hopeful she could get a new toy out of Nathan. After everything he did for Audrey, how easily he fell for Sarah, she thought it would be easy to get him to come to her side. She thinks she might have even gotten close. He kissed her back like he meant it at his father's crappy cabin. If she had known about Audrey's little visits, maybe she would have known earlier he was a lost cause, but she is still convinced she got to him, just a little bit. But Audrey's pull was stronger, which she understands. Nathan and Audrey deserved each other. Both were so very dull. 

But Duke? Duke was interesting. He had fire and a desperation that comes from a need to please that was never found to be enough. She had a perfect ground to manipulate him, to turn him against his friends, the people who cared for him but had other concerns. She really could not have planned it all better. It's a shame she had to get rid of him like that. But just like William, he was a means to an end. A damn fun one, but only a means. Her work with the Troubles is more important than a roll in the sack, no matter how good. 

Giving Dwight his daughter back was an easy way to earn his loyalty. It's shaky, and Mara is sure that if someone ends up killing her, it will be Dwight. But he's in line, for now. If he needs to be dealt with, she will. After she gets rid off the brat, of course. 

And now it's back down to her and the intolerable Wuornos. Now that's he's lost his precious Audrey, now that Mara is the only one left, it will be easy to continue where she left off with him. Now that he has no conflicting loyalties, now that all he has are this town and Mara, she can direct all his emotions, all his loyalty, all his desperation, into her own goals. He's a bit more stubborn than she thought, clinging to Audrey, his father's vague mission, still dealing with the Troubles when he can, but she has time. After everything Nathan accomplished for her without knowing, Mara can't wait to see what he'll do for her knowingly. She knows it won't take much to crack him, to break him. He is so fragile already. But she needs to plan this very carefully.


	5. Playing Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mara has been visiting Nathan for months. It has finally started to take it's toll on Nathan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is dark. There's violence, victim blaming, mention of body disfigurement(scars), sexual assault.

Mara kept true to her word and came to visit Nathan every so often. She has no rhyme or reason to the timing of her visits, better to keep Nathan on his toes, so he can't prepare himself.

She taunts him, hurts him but she's yet to make good on her promise/ threat that she'd change Nathan's Trouble. 

"You still haven't found the Aether, have you?" Nathan taunts one night as Mara is telling him what fascinating changes she could make to his Trouble ("Or maybe I will use you as a test subject, give you a whole new Trouble. Even Audrey wanted to do that.") which earns him a scratch on his face. 

He doesn't go outside much anymore. He still tried for a while, after Mara started visiting, but over time he has lost the will. Mara's efforts have left him so scarred and distraught that he hasn't been much of a help to anyone lately. The only thing Nathan feels he's good for anymore is keeping Mara occupied for a while. Better he hurt than anyone else.

"Look at that. You're bleeding again," Mara says in a cold voice with a smirk on her face. "Let Mara have a look."

Her changed tone of false concern makes Nathan recoil almost as much as the possibility of her touch. It's not that he doesn't want to feel the pain. He doesn't care anymore. He just doesn't want to feel *her*. 

Mara just laughs and holds his face in place by his jaw. With her other hand she slides her fingers through the scratches, making Nathan hiss with pain and Mara's finger tips come away with blood. 

"These will add nicely to your collection," she tells him. When Mara's around, Nathan is not allowed to wear a shirt. He fought about that a lot in the beginning, but now he just takes it off when Mara comes around. She likes looking at her handiwork. His chest is covered in new scars and wounds in various stages of healing. Mara likes to do a 'pain check', see which ones still hurt, which are healed enough. Better to keep track of where to hurt him.

"You ever want to be a doctor?" Mara asks as she keeps his head between her hands, staring in to his eyes, blood seeping her palm, with curiosity and something else in her tone.

Mara's intense stare unnerves Nathan but she doesn't allow him to look away, "No," he grunts. 

"You sure?" Mara asks, in a mocking tone, which just confuses him more. 

He moves his head from her hands, moves back on the couch. 

"Why would I? The only thing they could tell me about this thing you gave me was a practically meaningless diagnosis. And my numb body would be useless if it came back. So many doctors are bullshit anyway. They couldn't fix me and they couldn't save m --" but before he angrily finishes the sentence, he falls silent, feeling like he said too much. 

"Couldn't save your Mommy, right?" Mara smirks, and Nathan's not sure why he doesn't hit her. He has, before. Fought back with more than words. But not for a while. 

"Don't," Nathan says with all the anger he can muster, pours all his hate for her into that one word.

"You talk about her so rarely. Almost never. That must have been a real loss. Losing the only person who even cared." 

"The Chief cared," Nathan manages to say from behind the lump in his throat. He barely talked to Audrey about this. He doesn't want to talk to Mara. 

"Sure he did," she replies sarcastically.

"You don't really wanna talk about my parental issues. Why don't you just cut me some more?"

"But I do. That's how I got to Duke. I made him talk about his mother to save you. It was easy to manipulate him afterwards, to get what I wanted from him." 

Duke is another topic Nathan doesn't want to talk about. He lost them both at the same time. Again. And now Mara is twisting the guilt he feels about not making sure Duke was alright. Too caught up in other things. Audrey's health. The infection. Charlotte. According to Mara's words, saving him from the Potter Trouble doomed Duke. It's so much better when Mara just overwhelms him with physical pain. He can deal with that. He's not sure how long he can deal with this.

"Anyway, back to you. You never really wished you could have saved her? Save other people's mothers? You seem like the type, despite everything."

"Where is this coming from?" Mara clearly has a point she's trying to make but Nathan doesn't understand it.

"Did Audrey ever tell you about Cliff's Haven? The Haven without Troubles?" 

Nathan's unease about the discussion keeps increasing although there's nothing he can really do about it. He pulls his knees against his chest, as protective a position he can take with both of them on the couch and Mara so close. (Too close) He shakes his head and he feels like a child.

Mara smirks, seemingly feeling absolutely ecstatic about getting to tell him this.

"You were Dr. Nathan *Hansen*. I can only imagine what that must have entailed. You were even more blatantly on the spectrum than you are here. You gave Audrey-husk clean papers from a psych eval before you went to see your wife and daughter. Your wife looked 12 but I admit, your kid was cute. I could see the resemblance. A beautiful, normal family. Oh, my, what it could have been like for you." 

Nathan's thoughts go towards James, and Sarah and Audrey and everything he couldn't have. The family, or families, he couldn't have. He hopes he can hide his feelings from Mara, so he bluffs.

"How is any of that supposed to affect me? It wasn't real. I'm not a Hansen. I don't even know what I'm supposed to miss."

"But you can imagine her, can't you? Brown haired girl with blue eyes. Like James."

Nathan doesn't manage to hide his pain this time. Mara laughs, delighted and claps her hands together. 

"Yes! That's it exactly. That's what I wanna see!" 

"But why?" 

"Because I want you to stop fighting me. Stop fighting this. You have nothing left. Nothing to hold on to." 

Nathan is so tired that when Mara comes closer to him again, he doesn't stop her. Suddenly she is in a gentle mode and Nathan can't process it. She puts one hand on his newly damaged cheek, and Nathan closes his eyes. He can't tell whether it's from the pain or touch or feeling. She leans over and kisses his undamaged cheek before her lips find their way to his ear. 

"It's all your fault. You know it. This is what you've always wanted. Those husks you loved, they were all me. I'm the one you really want. Accept it." 

Nathan tries to shake his head, deny Mara's words and clear his head. But Mara's hold of him is stronger. 

"And you're responsible for all this loss. Duke died because of you, because he tried to help you. James is dead and you never got to know him, love him." 

Nathan hears something in Mara's voice and he wants to ask her about James. Is he a shared pain between them? But when Nathan starts to ask, "Did you lo-" Mara changes tactics suddenly and kisses him to shut him up. Nathan doesn't reciprocate. Except for the lack of consent, it isn't an overly harsh kiss. Yet it drains all the fight from Nathan's brain and because of Mara's hands on his face, Nathan can tell he's crying. 

Mara pulls back and sits further on Nathan's lap. Nathan can't move or really speak. He can't even look away. 

"I wasn't finished," Mara tells him in a deceptively gentle voice. The threat of violence and violation is clear to Nathan. 

"The Hansens, your family, only existed for you but you couldn't keep that world going. All your parents are gone, all because of you. If it wasn't for you, your mommy wouldn't have had to stay with Max for as long as she did. Maybe that would have saved her. The Chief killed Max and himself because of you. Because you weren't strong enough. And what a terrible mess you've made of Garland's legacy." Mara makes disapproving sounds and shakes her head, looking oh so disappointed. Nathan doesn't say anything. Mara isn't saying anything he hasn't thought himself. 

"And the last but very much not the least, Audrey. You let her do this. Let her believe she was stronger than me, that she could survive this. Survive inside me. What a fool you were." 

"She was stronger than you," Nathan finally speaks, voice gruff and pained. "She sacrificed herself because she thought it was the right thing. She wanted to make you whole. Thought you could be fixed. She was wrong, but it doesn't mean she wasn't strong." 

As Nathan speaks, Mara turns angrier. But uncharacteristically, she swallows her anger. She smiles at Nathan, slides even closer to his body, holds his face is place. 

"Wanna know who you haven't failed? Me. Everything you've done, helped me get free. You deserve a prize for that."

Mara is wearing only a top and shorts, because the night is hot and that leaves lots of skin for Nathan to 'accidentally' be exposed to. It doesn't work quite as well as she'd hope because Nathan is still wearing long black pants, but that can easily be changed. 

Mara moves her body against Nathan's, so he can feel as much of her skin as possible. She practically drapes herself on him, chest against chest, as she once again talks into his ear.

"Everything you did for my husks. All the love you feel for them. It's always really been for me. It's always been about me. Why don't you stop fighting that simple fact? Be with me." 

Nathan has fought against Mara touching him like this. So close, so soft. Her hand has moved into his hair, another stroking his undamaged cheek. Her lips are against his neck now. Mara hasn't really done this since that first night. Not for this long. Not without Nathan violently rejecting her advances. He still doesn't want this.

But he can't move. Can't say that her words are wrong. Can't reject her. The words won't come out and his body refuses to obey him. He can tell he's still crying, though. It doesn't deter Mara. She kisses his tears away.

But when Mara's hand starts sliding down from his cheek, down down down to his stomach, the pain of wayward touches against healing wounds is enough for Nathan to react. He tries to push her away, he tells her "No!", yet it's not enough.

Mara holds onto his belt, hand so close to where Nathan doesn't want it to be. 

"Stop fighting. It's not worth it," Mara says and slides her hand into his pants while she pulls Nathan's head for a kiss. 

Nathan is still crying, but so so tired, so he succumbs into her kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has one or two chapters left.


	6. Dwight

After this whole sordid affair has lasted about a week, Dwight comes to see him. They are on the same side now, after all. Nathan never wanted it to be like this, though.

At first, Nathan of course expected Mara, and even though he has in the middle making something to eat, hearing the door open (Mara doesn't knock, of course) makes him start pulling his shirt off, exposing his back and stomach, because Mara doesn't want him wearing anything at all when she's around anymore.

"Fuck, Nathan!" Dwight says, seeing the damage on his body. Dwight even hisses in sympathy pain. 

Nathan puts his shirt back on at hearing Dwight's voice and turns to look at him. "Can't feel it when she's not around," he shrugs. 

Nathan walks up to Dwight and hugs him. During the hug, Nathan leans back slightly to check whether there's friction, a pushback, and because there is, he knows Dwight is hugging him back. Nathan appreciates that. 

When he pulls away properly, he can see Dwight looking at him with concern but also in a way that tells Nathan that Dwight thinks he's betraying Audrey by doing this. Nathan knows that. He's just trying to make his continued existence count for something.

Nathan points at a chair for Dwight to sit on, which Dwight accepts, and goes back to his cooking. It's not much. Mara is keeping them all barely fed but functioning.

"Has Mara promised to change your Trouble?" Nathan starts talking as he cooks, trying to break the silence. He doesn't look at Dwight when he talks. "Or Lizzie's? You know she can't get rid of them, and she won't adjust them from the goodness of her heart."

Nathan turns to look at Dwight now, his food mixture done and he starts eating.

Judging by Dwight's reaction, that does seem to be one of Mara's so called campaign promises. Nathan can't actually blame Dwight for wanting to buy into it. But Dwight sounds annoyed and defensive when he talks, "Isn't that why you're doing whatever it is your doing? She must have promised you the same thing." 

Nathan nods slightly.

"She told me that that was what she wanted to do to me, but I know she was lying. Can't give up one of her best tools to use on me. And as to why I'm doing this, it's because when she hurts me she's not out there hurting others. I can take it. They don't deserve it." 

Now there is compassion in Dwight's voice, "And you do?" 

Nathan is finished with his food and puts the plate away before sitting on a preparation station in the kitchen, his bare feet not touching the ground. But he makes eye contact with Dwight.

"I'm the reason she's here in the first place. I'm also the reason she's not dead yet. It's all my fault." 

Dwight looks like he's going to say something, but Nathan doesn't want to hear it. 

"Trust me, this isn't like after the Barn when I wanted to die. I'm not going to kill myself." 

Nathan can tell from Dwight's reaction that his suspicions were right. This was a suicide watch visit. 

"And I know she won't do it. She's having too much fun with me. But I'm not going to die before I first kill her. She thinks it's an idle threat but it isn't. You can tell her that. This isn't over until we're both dead. Hopefully I'll have fixed enough of this mess by then."

Dwight looks at him, disraught. Nathan doesn't blame him. He's so tired himself. But he can't rest in the real hell until he has first fixed the hell Haven has become. He already knows how this will end.

"You can tell her I'm ready for her next visit." 

Dwight gets up and walks up to him. He tries to see Nathan's eyes but he refuses contact this time. 

"Nathan. Is this... What she's doing... Do you want--" 

Nathan looks at him then. "Yes, it is. I don't want this. But neither Garland Wuornos nor Max Hansen raised someone who cares about emotions, so I'm going through with this." 

Dwight nods, disturbed. He starts to walk out of Audrey's place (she's been gone for months yet he can't think of it as anything else), when he turns to ask, "Who did Elizabeth raise?" 

The question knocks the air from Nathan's lungs. He's not sure why Dwight brought his mother into this. Nathan closes his eyes, thinks of her. "They raised an emotionless husk. She raised a survivor. Neither version will be left after this, though."

Nathan keeps his eyes closed as he waits for the door to close. He opens them when the door clicks shut and then goes to take a shower. He's not ready to die yet, so he has things to do. 


	7. Names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan never calls her the wrong name  
> (Duke did Jennifer, halfling door opener)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one has lots of implied rape, victim blaming, rapist pov not thinking of themselves as a rapist.  
> Mara/Duke and Duke/Jennifer mentioned.   
> Nathan/Sarah and Nathan/Audrey mentioned.

Despite his experience with multiple versions of her, Nathan has never called any of them the wrong name. Mara can remember, if forced, Nathan moaning 'Sarah' againt her neck, her chest, as he impregnated her. And whatever role Lexie played in their sex live, Nathan always called out Audrey. With Mara, it's still always her name, although the tone is very different, her name is grunts of dissatistfaction, of violation, in Nathan's mouth. She likes it. 

Mara knows Nathan doesn't really want to do the things she does to him, makes him do to her. She doesn't care. Nathan has only one purpose left in this world, and he does it decently enough that she doesn't want to kill him yet. And besides, she has memories of Nathan with Sarah, with Audrey, that she doesn't want to have. That makes them even, right? 

(Duke was a slightly different story. Naturally, he was better in bed, manipulated yet willing, but he used the wrong name, once. 'Jennifer', he whispered, that halfling door opener, against her neck as he fucked her against the floor. Mara never forgot that, even if she's not sure Duke even realized he'd said it. Better for him to be dead, then.) ### 

Nathan misses it when Mara would just hit him. Physical violence is something he's used to, from the forgotten but still affecting childhood with Max Hansen, to the bullying at school, to the dangers of his job. He can take it. Maybe that's why she stopped. 

He's still not used to... what she does to him. What he does for her. He can deal it better when it's just Mara on top, taking whatever she wants from him, when he can still for the most part think it's not happening. She doesn't let him do that the whole time, though. She never could let him hide from himself (how dare Mara twist something he loved about Audrey like this?), making him connect, see what is happening, even if only for the forced climax. He can't ignore her touch, the feel of her, but sometimes, her touch is less awful than her words. She tells him her plans, during, knowing he can't stop her. He can't stop her from taking whatever she wants from him, he's becoming a wreck of a human being, how could he stop her plans? 

After they started this, he tried to not let her take everything from him. The first time she demanded oral from him, he refused. It's too intimate, too much of a compromise. It's easier to deal with her taking from him. Doing something for her, how can he claim to still be a victim? 

Mara hit him, then. Nathan could taste the blood in his mouth, Mara's hand gripping his neck, making him look at her. ”You do as I tell you. Fuck me properly or I'll drag you out of this house to watch me kill someone. I get so cranky when you don't do your one damn job.” Then she smirks, ”Is that enough of a threat for your delicate sensibilities?” 

Nathan swallowed bile, then, but let Mara push his head where she wanted it. These days, she only demands oral from him as either as punishment or when something hasn't gone according to her plan and she's annoyed. That makes it bareable. *** Another night, another visit from Mara. Uncharacteristically, Mara is sleeping next to Nathan, on Audrey's bed at Audrey's place, and it makes Nathan feel sick. He shouldn't have let Mara violate this place so much. Usually Mara leaves right after she gets what she wants from him. They both prefer it like that. Nathan's not sure what to make of this sleepover. He turns towards the nightstand, the knife is still there, waiting for him to use it, if he could. He turns to look at Mara again, and when she sleeps, she looks almost not-completely-evil. 

Nathan starts getting of the bed, he's not sure what he was going to do, he just needs to get away, when Mara wakes. 

”Where are you going?” 

Nathan freezes, like he was doing something wrong that deserves punishment. 

”Nevermind, I don't care. I shouldn't have fallen asleep in the first place,” Mara says and leans on Nathan, talking to the back of his head, ”You might have tried to kill me again,” she says and laughs, her lips, her breath, touching Nathan's neck, and he shivers. 

Mara gets off the bed and find her dress. It's grey in color, so different than what Audrey or Sarah might have worn, somehow very Mara. Nathan can never really wrap his head around the differences. And yet, he's never confused the three. 

Mara turns at his stearing. ”You like it? Duke certainly did.” 

Her words have the desired effect and Nathan wants to throw up. The associate guilt of what Mara did to Duke never leaves him. He should have stopped it. 

”No, I don't” he manages to spit out of his mouth. He wants her gone already. 

Mara just laughs. She gathers her things. ”Night, Nate.” 

Nathan is left alone in the dark. 

*** 

The next visit isn't until days later. Nathan is a nervous wreck. She hasn't made him wait like this for, for… he's lost track of time. But being alone with his thoughts, with his actions, for days, is not something he can handle anymore. 

When Mara finally comes back, with a sarcastic ”Honey, I'm home,” Nathan is on her like he hasn't been before. 

He pushes her against the door, already naked like she wants him to, and kisses her neck, the way all of them like it. Mara laughs but goes with it. 

”There you are,” she tells him, like she was just waiting for Nathan to crack, to become an active participant in this twisted game they are playing. They don't kiss. They never do, and Nathan won't start now. He does touch her, maybe even want her, the way he hasn't wanted her since that night at his father's cabin, when he was desperate for Audrey, but now there's just Mara left. He's tired of passively waiting for her, for her to do whatever she wants to him. Maybe he's not a victim anymore, he doesn't know, but he finally let's go and fucks Mara against the door. 

That night, Mara leaves satisfied, and Nathan throws up bile on the floor. He needs to eat again. He keeps forgetting. He hugs his knees to himself, laying on the floor and he's not quite sure how long he can keep doing this.


End file.
